1. Men are 3-4x more likely to commit suicide. So the notion Depression is largely a female issue is far too simple. Though studies and definitions decades ago listed “female” as a depression “risk factor.”
2. Swetlitz writes helpfully when talking about aloneness:
“I was severely depressed for the entirety of my junior year of college. My depression consumed me, breaking my identity into pieces so small I thought I barely existed. The person I had known for the past 20 years now seemed a carefully constructed illusion.”
He never sought treatment. He thought he could get through it alone. He struggled to hear his professor and he pondered an idea on how to end the pain. Five years later in medical school it returned,
Summarizing Martin, et. al. “The experience of symptoms of depression in men vs women: analysis of the National Comorbidity Survey Replication,” he mentions “male” type symptoms tended more towards “overworking, substance misuse, and aggression.” [in JAMA Psychiatry. 2013;70(10):1100-1106]. When you improve the dated clique and primitive early diagnostic criteria from decades ago the gender differences drop. And Swetitz’s understanding is they totally “disappear.”
Another aspect is the issue of differences in gender psychology. Simply, as I study differences cross-culturally, I lean toward differences, but equal which includes my joy with female physicians and a female president soon.
One issue is emotional displays. Some women write they want a “sensitive” and “open” man, but are engaged to a fix-it man who loves soccer and only shares challenges with male friends. Many men speak of actually being REAL with their lady which only overwhelms her, causes fear, or dissociation. A drop in respect is reported by some with significant impact and blunt transparency. Is this every woman? No, it is not. But men have suspicions that the pop psychology magazines reporting “Women desire for intimacy includes sharing weakness like sadness, past hurts, hopelessness and fear, is nonsense at times. Some women do not want that role. They can choose what they want. My only thought is one common response to the ancient common challenge of adultery or affairs is a sense of empathic failure or that a spouse or serious relationship just “is not interested” in hearing these feelings, may not cause a person NOT to find a smart expert psychiatrist, psychologist, close sibling, best friend or clergy, it may move them to medicate with the interest and care of another person who becomes a lover.
The point? Many people in a man’s life may promote: “Be quiet about sadness or anything weak” . I have seen that message sent to many men by many types of relationships. And the idea women can handle these feelings depends on the lady and other factors. Women are not gods, and even if some can only handle 2 pounds of misery, that makes them finite and like everyone. They are like all of us, “mere mammals” and not exhaustive in capacities. People of all genders, ages, faiths and cultures have finite capacities. Even experts in depression do not work 90 hour weeks.
BUT MEN NEED TO AT LEAST BE ABLE TO SUMMARIZE A FEW THINGS TO REACH OUT.
Saying you are “too irritable, not enjoying much, dropping hope, sad, tired or wired, or the things published in our DESTROY DEPRESSION book, or using a scale of symptoms for depression, allows many psychiatrists, psychologists, clergy, social workers, to understand you quite fast. Is that cold to a man? Some prefer not going into detail when they are unsure who has shoulders and time to hear them. Who has the level of empathy to share this with? Certainly not most people.
All my male friends are doing, doing and doing. All intense alpha types inventing, creating, learning, healing, writing, risking, etc. We are very intimate in our shared goals, often serving as strong glue. Women can do the same, but appear in cross-cultural research to have high social wiring.
Most of us have to watch that projects and achievements do not come before people. Isolating?
One risk at times of type A driven types is starting the next project before getting closer to people. “Acts before relationships” some say. I fear saying this because the folks who think reality is one-liners pathologize achievement or say focusing four years on designing or making something is being distant. Of course that is a risk, but few achieve much without super-focus.
1. Men need to realize you may be lowering irritability or depressive misery by work or bad acts. Sitting silent and still, causes you to feel your real inner feelings. Movement may hide a depressed mood.
2. In your world or those you can access, is there anyone you can tell about your increased irritability, increased boredom, loss of pleasure? Video games, porn, sex, or other pleasure floods do not count as pleasure.
3. Have you increased drinking or other substance use? Why? There is a belief in AA that depression is largely from abuse of the neurotoxin alcohol. While it is true alcohol abuse is a body disaster and promotes suicides, there is a percent that drink to drop depressed feelings. And men need to realize substance abuse is a type of “treatment.”
4. Anger and irritability can be a highly common male symptom of depression and the 250 medical things that cause or increase it in men. Depressed men may be harsher, impatient, rarely calm, and annoyed with high expectations. Some think it is a defect of character, and that may be partly true, and proves in 3000 years our growth in advanced neuroscience has changed none of our idealism, reactive simple judgements, and superiority. I could theoretically alter any reader’s biochemistry and make you present more character defects in 98/100.
One thing I loved about my parents years ago, is after all their children were grown, the notion of the Battle of the Sexes with them was never seen. We should do the same. Support differences and support the vulnerable.
SEE: Swetlitz N. Depression’s Problem With Men. AMA J Ethics. 2021 Jul 1;23(7):E586-589. doi: 10.1001/amajethics.2021.586. PMID: 34351273.